Is the opening of your letter taking donors anywhere?

By Kimberly Seville

“How to Look Good Naked” … “Yard Crashers” … “Pimp My Ride” … “Extreme Makeover” … “Kitchen Nightmares” … “What Not to Wear” … “This Old House” … “Makeover Manor” — we are a society obsessed with transformation, renovation and beautification projects.

And while I can’t match the pimpologists’ promise to “turn your hooptie into a dope-ass, date magnet,” I see plenty of letter copy that could benefit from a talented wordsmith’s makeover.

I don’t mean changing the offer — although lackluster offers also abound. Instead, I suggest restyling the language to get your offer noticed, in a good way.

Your letter’s lead, the opening, is paramount. It occupies precious real estate in terms of what’s most likely to get read in a package, and its purpose is to capture interest and nudge the donor along toward the offer.

Lackluster leads
The following are alterations of real examples:

This year marks the 72nd year of the ABC Charity Do Good Program — a community action program that distributes all sorts of goods and services to millions of needy people throughout the country every year.
For over 100 years, ABC Charity has been the voice of the people for protecting what needs protecting in America.

Both are important statements that might have a place somewhere in the letter, but neither are very captivating, intriguing or emotionally charged.

Then there’s this one, and all the variations of it that are commonly used like a warm-up act: I have a very special reason for sending you this letter.

It’s not a cliff-hanger, because the second sentence usually explains why. It’s just taking up space — a wallflower.

And finally, because it happens every four years, these two:

Our nation is at a crossroads. This election will determine the direction we take.
This has been an exciting year in politics.

Maybe it’s because every candidate, committee, and political and advocacy group is saying these things, but they don’t have any real rocket fuel in them.

Achieving liftoff
In contrast, consider this from James Carville on behalf of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee:

I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait for that helicopter moment.
You know what I’m talking about — Bush and Cheney piling into a helicopter on the White House lawn, never again to exercise the powers that come with holding the highest offices in the land.

Instantly, the letter paints a picture in your mind, and it’s specific and identifiable — not a generality. And it’s got you involved right away with “you” usage in both sentences.

Newt Gingrich seeks to build rapport with a different approach. Writing on behalf of Citizens United, he begins:

Would you do me the honor of joining me and my wife, Callista, on a special walking tour of Washington, D.C.?
Actually, you won’t even have to leave your living room.

(The former Speaker of the House is offering his new documentary film, yours free for a gift of $35 or more.)

Often, a really good lead will tell a story or continue the story started in a Johnson box. The African Wildlife Foundation follows two paragraphs before the salutation with:

Only one single female elephant survived that morning’s carnage in Kenya’s Tsavo East National Park. The matriarch, her children and two youngsters with small tusks were no match for the poachers armed with AK-47 and G3 rifles.

How can you not be moved? Then there’s this, from the American Bible Society:

When masked motorcyclists lobbing grenades bombed the Bible Society in Pakistan, I hoped it would be an isolated incident. When Sudanese radicals seized Scriptures meant for students at the University of Khartoum, I prayed, “Please, Lord, not again.”
But when it happened again in the war-torn Gaza Strip, I was forced to admit … GOD’S WORD IS UNDER ATTACK.

And my guess is the American Bible Society’s package has a high open rate given the intriguing clear plastic bag it uses as an outer envelope with a large, dark red “DO NOT TAMPER” warning label. Coupled with that strong lead, this appeal to “keep the Bible presses running” looks like a winner.

But you don’t need bombs or AK-47s for your lead to begin a story that speaks to your donors’ hearts. St. Labre Indian School’s late-summer campaign is an outstanding example:

Dear Kimberly,
A staff member suggested photocopying the textbooks for our schools. She knew it was illegal, but she was half serious and I understood why. Our textbooks are worn out and, in some cases, outdated. They need to be replaced.
But, have you seen the price of textbooks lately? They’ve gone up so much, I had to delay buying new books for science and history. This year’s budget could barely cover the cost of new books for reading and math.

It’s the specifics that make this copy compelling. The staff’s conversation about being so desperate it wished it could photocopy the texts … having to delay the purchase of books and which subjects didn’t make the cut.

Now, I know a lot of nonprofits resist using — or flat-out prohibit — this level of specificity due to concerns that donations will be designated — in this case, for textbooks. However, St. Labre’s letter later repeatedly makes clear that my gift also will provide kids with excellent teachers and schools that turn out successful young adults — in other words, my donation will advance the entire mission.

So what’s your best lead?
If you think the one in front of you is blah, read on. Frequently, your best lead is buried somewhere later in the letter. But if you don’t find it anywhere, is there a way you can reframe your letter opening to include an anecdote or a story? Can you make a provocative statement or ask a question? Can you move from generalities to the specific? Can you make it about “you,” the donor, instead of a faceless institution? Can you kill the warm-up filler and get right to it?

Sure you can. And I look forward to your big reveal! FS

Kimberly Seville is a creative strategist and freelance copywriter. Reach her at kimberlyseville@yahoo.com