Oddly Precise Nonprofit Predictions for 2008

Our researchers here at the Easier Said Than Done Pavilion and Golf Course have turned their considerable skills to predicting your future. To discover what’s ahead for your nonprofit organization in 2008, simply match the year of your founding with its Chinese zodiac symbol. (See the paper place mats at your local Chinese restaurant if you don’t know which years go with which creatures.)

Year of the RAT
Your organization will become infested with vice presidents. Most of them will be harmless, genial types who make excellent lunch companions. One of them, however, will have an addiction to massive, organization-wide initiatives that are meant to “change everything.” This will go on until you reach a Zen-like state of disequilibrium that will make you a legend in the industry and the subject of many business-school whitepapers.

Year of the OX
Your marketing department will retain the services of an ad agency to create a “cutting edge” marketing campaign. In doing so, it will redefine your mission in direct conflict with what your donors have been supporting for years. This will not be seen as a problem. Fortunately, the inept execution of the campaign will minimize any damage to your brand or reputation.

Year of the GOAT
You will continue to plow time and money into your Web site for no measurable return. All attempts to change this situation will be resisted fiercely by your online people, who will claim that anything done on the Web can’t be measured the same way as things done in other media. At least, that’s what it’ll say in their blogs.

Year of the DRAGON
Your board of directors will accomplish nothing this year.

Year of the RABBIT
Your organization will decide to issue an RFP for your general marketing needs. Unfortunately, so many people will be involved it will end up an impenetrable maze of vague philosophical rambling, wishful thinking and outright lies. The only vendor that will respond will be an ice-cream manufacturer. To save face, you will retain the ice-cream company as your marketing agency. See next year’s predictions for the outcome!

Year of the MONKEY
Someone will say your direct-mail program mails too much. There will be wide agreement and, like a snowball dropped at the top of an alpine slope, the opinion will gather momentum and following until you have no choice but to cut back on mailings. This will be followed by a quick and corresponding drop in revenue, the cause of which will be an utter mystery to nearly everyone.

Year of the DOG
A very expensive series of focus groups will reveal some startling truths about your donors, including:

■ They hate paper.

■ They are allergic to the color red.

■ They are embarrassed to see their names in print.

You’ll have used up your research budget on the focus groups, so you won’t be able to act on these findings — proving that sometimes being underfunded is a very good thing.

Year of the PIG
Key leaders at your organization will be unable to make decisions. On the whole, this will be a good thing.

Year of the SNAKE
Your fundraising and marketing departments will become locked in a turf battle over an exciting new program. Someone in leadership will attempt the old King Solomon trick — “Let’s just divide this budget between you” — knowing that doing this will render the program functionally dead. Both parties will agree to this course of action.

Year of the TIGER
A donor will complain about something in your fundraising. You will retool the entire program to make sure you never get that particular complaint again. The thousands of donors who didn’t complain will vaguely wonder why you aren’t talking to them anymore. But with many other giving opportunities in front of them, they’ll quickly forget about you. Soon after, the donor who originally complained will complain even more vociferously about the changes you made. A quick check of your database will show that this donor’s last (and only) gift was six years ago: $5.

Year of the ROOSTER
You will get comprehensive new brand guidelines. They will demand the following:

■ Logo: The new logo will require three different PMS colors plus a metallic ink, and must not be reproduced at any size smaller than 2 inches high and 6 inches long.

■ The color palette: light gray, fading-away pink, virtually invisible blue and a color some might call orange if they could see it well enough.

■ Photo requirement: All photos must be of idealized situations that could exist in theory on some other world but have never been observed on Planet Earth.

■ Copy guidelines: The phrase “capacity building” must occur at least once every 100 words in all types of
communication.

Year of the HORSE
Your organization will be taken over by mutant telepathic bananas. Things generally will continue as they’ve been, though your dessert and fruit options will be somewhat curtailed. FS